Thursday, October 23, 2008

Small Conspiracies #1: Deodorant

Noses, eh?

Those TV adverts where you smell so much like the best chocolate in the world that you BECOME A CHOCOLATE at the expense of all else. And as if losing all sense of ego to a Cadbury-based life-form ain't enough for you, you can look forward to being Eaten Alive by attractive women who would rather digest you than sleep with you. (Fortunately, according to the ads, fat and ugly woman just don't care about chocolate, forming a paradoxically attractive-yet-cannibalistic horde of women around you. Or maybe that's just Milton Keynes for you. Who Can Say?)

It's come to my attention not-so-recently that under-arm deodorant is a small yet major player in the global conspiracy to keep us from realising Our True Selves. In terse terms, it is a scam, and a sham, and should be exposed for the snake oil it truly is. Moreover, it strikes at the very heart of our very hearts. For, through those insidious forms of advertising that seek to stigmatise our own bodily functions, we are trained into becoming prisoners of sweat-tastic guilt of Epic Proportions.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is nothing wrong with a good bit of sweat. Sweat is all around us, it denotes and delights those that have the pleasure of manual labour, of physical challenge, and of feats that engage the mind-body complex so such a degree that the stress is made tangible.

Covering up that sweat, on the other hand, is akin to wearing a happy-clown mask even whilst we sob profusely in gin-soaked sobriety. It is to hide our physical pride, and pretend that we go out of our way to avoid the work of the body. In other words, deodorant is a facsimile of the bourgeoisie, a symbol of escaping both the drudgery and the joy of bodily work, a faux retraction into the dwindling of the human form.

Cast off your deodorant, I say, and let your armpits sing! Go out, enjoy chopping wood, indulge in lifting large items, play intense sports until your lungs break! Take back your smell!


RedYetiDave said...

Did you never go to 3D3 (COGS computer room for the un-initiated)?

"our smell" is caused by the bacteria eating our shed skin that sits in a soup of fatty acids and actually mainly comes from our clothing. Going without clothing you acquire a natural odour, sure, but it's not the stench produced by wearing clothing.

Especially synthetics. Synthetic fibre can go from April fresh to gagging, eye-watering stench before lunch time if you sweat heavily.

"Smelly Helly" isn't called that for nothing (Helly Hanson produced the gold-standard in polypro base garments for some years).

Want to avoid that? Use Merino wool. I've worn a Merino T-shirt for two solid weeks (day and night) in high summer in Southern Europe whilst lugging a pack over Alpine passes. At the end, it was a little whiffy but I'd have sat in a pub in it (at a push).

The smell is repulsive not because some awful, vacuous advertisement says it is but because evolution has given us a strong aversion to rotting things. Our armpits combined with clothing are just that - rotting things. To suggest otherwise is to muddy the whole issue of whether "they" are scum-sucking low life who wish to sell us back our own grandmothers after they've broken them in slave labour camps. Which they are.

So - use a deodorant that's not likely to give you children with tentacles sure (Tom's Of Maine works well) but if you want to sit in the same pub/office/front room with people who's opinion you care about I'd suggest that you do actually use one.

Or else go naked of course. That might get you even more popular (or unpopular?).

That's me lot... I feel better now... ;)

Scribe said...

"if you want to sit in the same pub/office/front room with people who's opinion you care about"

Eh? Isn't that what Twitter's for?

RedYetiDave said...

Well yes.

As long as you're in 3D3 of course. ;)