Monday, January 01, 2018

2017 was actually pretty busy now that I think about it


2017 was a strange year. Strange for its normality. Like I was returning to a world I never recalled being in before, familiar but in a subconscious, subdermal way, not quite meeting my eyes.

I started out in a foreign zone, entering the year as an interim CEO for the first time in my life. It’s pretty amazing to inherit a company, but not something they teach you at school. Not that that matters much. It was a strange but exciting place to be, but on the whole - at the moment - a bit like my PhD experience. I’m proud to say I’ve been there and been able to do it. But my focuses are different. The timing is wrong.

But aside from that, work has formed a large 50% of my year, emotionally speaking. Stepping away from any “chief” role doesn’t imply you’re out of work. On the other hand, I think I achieved a lot this year - just none of it really planned or expected. (And not just me - we have a great team. but this is my blog, my story.)

We had to drag the company business model into a new version, and at the same time there were some hard, upsetting, joyous decisions to make and actions to take along the way. The team I’d assembled over the last few years fragmented a little - it was the first time I’d “lost” even one of my direct employees, let alone two. I’m simultaneously sad I couldn’t give them more and retain them, and proud of what they’ve achieved and what they’ll go onto become. We do what we can.

So as well as seeing my direct team through changes, I was also picking up product strategy still, and trying to guide projects (long and short term) through the dark hills to some kind of end point. A lot of my learning here has been about either drawing things to a point where it’s possible, and supporting projects through tough times where it’s not. The two ends of the spectrum are completely different, but maybe I’ve calibrated my project and product management skills as a result. We’ll see in 2018.

I’ve also picked up a hell of a lot about company admin - finances, laws, and so on. There’s so much here, I don’t know how anyone runs a company by themselves, to be honest. Main Lesson from 2017: It’s all about who you have on your side. The right people make the difference between success and failure. Sanity and madness. 2017 has been such a “people” year for me.

But we made it through, and all the hard work seems to be paying off. It’s only now, after Christmas, as advent nurses its hangover, that I can look back and really see how busy, stressful, productive it’s been.

And all the while, in the “background” (from a work perspective), the other 50% has been happening too - the “normal” life of a  nuclear family.

It’s harder to write about this side though. While work has “goals”, “objectives”, “strategies”, “documents” and “project management systems”, family life has all the same needs, stresses, and relationships, but none of the structure or tools. It’s impossible to describe how jarring this is, how the juxtaposition - separated by just 40 minutes of travel time, subjected to the rhythm of routine - how it can addle your brain and take over your every presence.

I’ve started seeing a physio this year, because bits of me (mostly my right hand side) don’t work quite as well as they used to. But I know it’s because of an overall tiredness, a lack of energy that ribbons its way between neurons and tendons and literally broken dreams. If I was sensible, I’d parallel the physio appointments with therapy, or the closes I could get to a “mental physio”. I’m really, really glad I have a history of mindfulness and decent whisky. I don’t know how everyone else copes. Actually I do, we’re all on drugs.

Which is not to say I’m complaining about a hard life. I wouldn’t give it up or change it, for so many reasons. Seasoned parents never really talk about the good side of parenting for various reasons - too busy sorting out school lunches, it feels like you’re jinxing something, it’s more productive to bitch about the stuff that needs bitching about, and sometimes, TBH, there are just no words for how mad and joyous it can all get. Sometimes though, all you need is just a certain look on another parent’s face to know it’s all worth it, it’s not all in tired vain.

So 2017 has been about hospital trips and newly-established social circles and story-writing and impromptu music jams and daft Lego inventions and learning all the Pokemon and dens in the forest.

And mostly it’s been about stepping back and watching other people develop.

Which, if you can feel like you’re even slightly responsible for it, is the best feeling in the world.

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